On the way to school this morning my daughter asked me a question. That question was, “Mummy do you get lonely at home on your own.” I replied to Rosie, no I don’t get lonely, as I see people in the day or I go for a walk etc.
When I got home and put the radio on, this song came on “Everybody Needs Love.” So it got me thinking about me and my life. No, I’m not lonely but I do want to be loved and cared for.
As a small child I have always spent time on my own. I do have older siblings, three brothers, but I being the youngest I would spend many hours in the garden, playing by myself and keeping my self occupied. I like to dance. So I would play record after record on my brothers record player and dance the night away. I would make up my own routines.
Handstands, cartwheels and walking on your hands is something you would find me doing. As well as going up and down on my big orange space hopper, or on a pair of roller skates. I pretty much lived in my own little world. We had a little dog called Tess, she was a Jack Russell, I loved that little dog and I would dress her up in my dolls clothes. As my parents watched the telly the dog would appear in the window looking like a hairy fairy.
I never felt unloved, my mother would cuddle me on the settee and my dad would also watch the telly with me. He liked the wildlife programs. You guessed it monkeys. I was the baby and he the big gorilla, he would pretend he was looking through my hair like they do and make all the sounds that they do. I being quite shy was embarrassed and used to tell him to stop, but it was his way of showing his love for me and making me laugh.
I was and still am a sensitive shy girl. As a child when there were lots of people around I would cuddle into my mum and dad and wouldn’t put my head up. I didn’t speak out very much either. A little mouse I was.
Coming back to the love part, I have always in my heart believed in true love. Meeting that one person and truly believing that your meant to be together and that nothing can ever tear you apart.
I didn’t have boyfriends at school and was only when I started going out that I would talk to boys more. I did have a few boyfriends and long term relationships. I think I have felt love a few times.
When I was 28 I got married and I thought that this was it. I had a good job, a nice home, I was married and now had a little girl. But the cracks got bigger and I started to feel alone and not loved and scared some of the time. All the years I had been with my parents I had felt safe and secure and now I have a life of my own, but it just wasn’t right.
I sometimes look back and think was it because I wanted to be loved and cared for, that I entered into a life that wasn’t for me and once in it, couldn’t find a way out. Its okay wanting to be loved but, respect and mutual admiration has to be there. Nobody controlling anybody, just two people who bring out the best in each other.
I have always had a good heart, I am caring young lady and often put others before me. Regardless what I am going through I always have time for others, that’s just the way I am made.
For me now approaching the age of 48 and divorced, I do miss not having a special someone to love and to love me. I’m not perfect and have my faults, but I really hope that all the time and effort that I put into aiding others, will perhaps bring a person into my life that will help take me on my next chapter.